What to do if your wife left? Psychology: "Abandoned wife", how to survive? What conditions indicate stress after a divorce.
Depression after parting - the severity of this negative state has to be felt by those who, for various reasons, had to let go of their loved one.
Everyone experiences this difficult period of life in different ways - someone manages to cope thanks to the workload, while others make suicidal attempts.
To understand how to cope with depression after a breakup, you need to understand why it occurs and whether its very occurrence can be prevented.
Main causes of depressive disorder
Every human being is fundamentally a social being. From the moment we are born, we are surrounded by other people - parents, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts. They help to educate the baby in society, adapt to it, imbue with ideas and rules of behavior.
Growing up, a person takes on more and more obligations. However, at the same time, strive to create comfortable psychological conditions for yourself - to find a couple. And even if the relationship develops far from the way it was expected, certain hopes and dreams were still associated with them. Of course, this applies more to the representatives of the beautiful half of humanity. Since childhood, they imagine the main day in their lives - a wedding. Men also, tying themselves together, make plans for the future. And if the relationship becomes obsolete, it is perceived by them rather painfully.
Parting with a loved one is naturally accompanied. Not everyone manages to cope with it in a few days and even months. Sometimes you need the help of a specialist. With its help, a program is developed that helps to get out of a state of psychological crisis.
What signs to look out for
Not everyone is able to understand that he has developed such a mental disorder as depression. This is a common human reaction to the stress experienced, only expressed in a stronger form. Attachment to a seemingly native person, with whom several years have been lived, is not expressed openly by everyone. As well as negative emotions from parting with him.
So, if the suffering experienced, in general, does not interfere with the usual way of life, does not affect the ability to work and appetite, most likely, there is no emotional disturbance. It is only necessary to wait a bit for the situation to become more stable.
Be sure to find out about, including those related to parting.
When two people who love each other part, it is always painful and unpleasant. Especially if the couple breaks up. And whoever is to blame, both people suffer. It is easier for a woman to express her emotions: she can openly show her feelings and tears. In this regard, it is more difficult for a man, because crying and suffering in front of everyone is not like a man. Although a man suffers no less than a woman, and sometimes a divorce is harder for him, for example, if his wife left him, and he did not initiate the break.
If the wife left - a psychologist's comment
All psychologists unanimously repeat: a wife will never leave just like that, there is a serious reason for this. Also, a woman will never leave her husband spontaneously, most often, this is a deliberate decision that has been matured in her head for more than one month. Leaving a husband is a significant change in life, but for women, the keepers of the hearth, it is very important to have a family, their own corner, and an established life. It is very difficult to quit everything at once.
All women in such difficult moments for the family think first of all about children. Therefore, a wife can endure a lot: betrayal, spree, physical abuse, before leaving forever. It seems to her that the main thing for children is a full-fledged family.
Also, many women simply have nowhere to go, especially those who married in their youth without receiving an education. Having devoted herself to home and family, a woman is faced with the fact that in the event of a divorce she has nowhere to go, nowhere to live and nowhere to work.
If the wife left her husband, it means that not everything was going smoothly in family relations, and, most likely, the husband knew about it. Of course, his fault is that he did not attach importance to problems, most likely, he reasoned that his wife would not go anywhere. Or maybe he just didn't take them seriously.
How to behave if your wife left
But here's a fait accompli: your wife left you. All women do it differently: someone leaves with a scandal, slamming the door loudly, before that breaking all the dishes in the house, someone leaves secretly, leaving a note (some leave notes), and someone finds strength in himself part calmly. But whatever the departure of the wife, you need to maintain composure. In no case is it necessary:
- roll up scandals;
- use physical violence;
- threaten;
- humiliate and beg to return;
- deal with alcohol problems.
It is necessary to wait a while, give yourself and your spouse the opportunity to recover, cool down, think carefully and make a firm decision: what to do next. If you think that your family still has a chance, then you need to use it. After all, the fact that your wife left you does not mean that feelings have cooled down. Maybe for her, this is a way to make you think and realize your mistakes. If there is no hope for the restoration of the family, then the best way out is to maintain good relations with each other, because if there are common children, you will have to communicate and meet all your life.
Well, when at least a month has passed, you can take decisive action to get your wife back. First of all, you need to ask yourself why the wife left? As already mentioned, a woman will not just leave a family where she was happy. So, you need to look for the cause, although, for sure, it is known. Women leave their men for the following reasons:
- Lack of understanding. The inability to agree, the lack of common interests lead to quarrels, and eventually to divorce.
- Husband's alcoholism - this is a problem that has destroyed more than one family.
- Physical violence. This problem as a consequence follows from the previous one - addiction to alcohol. Having sobered up, the man repents and asks for forgiveness, but then everything repeats again, and insults accumulate in the woman’s soul, which lead to the fact that she leaves the family. But a non-drinking man, simply rude by nature, can also use violence.
- Financial difficulties, the unwillingness of the husband to solve them sooner or later causes a divorce.
- excessive jealousy and control by the husband are for the wife a manifestation of disrespect and distrust.
- Problems in intimate life. Years later, the passion passes, the sexual life becomes monotonous, in connection with this, the spouses move away from each other and even start relationships on the side.
- Husband cheating. Some women can endure ties with a spouse all their lives, and some are unable to forgive them.
- Wife's love. Trite, but there are times when a wife gets a lover, whom she falls in love with and just goes to him. In this case, getting your wife back is much more difficult.
Often all these reasons follow one from the other. So, alcoholism leads to violence, misunderstanding, problems in sex, betrayal.
Of course, everyone has their own individual relationship and the reason is also individual. Based on this reason, you need to look for a way out of this situation.
You need to understand that if your wife left you for one reason or another, then she will return only if you change. Relations in this case will have to be built differently. If you are ready to make changes in yourself, listen to the wishes of your wife, then go for it! At such a moment, you need to remember that the main thing is to save the family, so pride is not a friend here. If it is difficult to rebuild, change, then it does not hurt to contact a psychologist who will help. The wife will not return to the man she left, so the need to change is obvious.
If you understand that the wife will not return, then in any case you need to think soberly. There is no place for jealousy and anger - these emotions can push you to desperate acts and not even a crime.
You need to remain a man in any case, you can’t show weakness, this will disappoint your wife. And weakness is manifested in threats, blackmail, scandals, persecution and humiliation.
You need to respect the decision of the wife, even if she left you for another man. Maybe it is your calmness and friendly behavior that will help her understand that she needs to return.
Perhaps the wife's departure is a manifestation of a crisis in family relationships, and not everything is lost, so you just need to work on your mistakes in order to avoid them in the future. You need to fight for your happiness - if you sit idly by, then you won’t be able to save your family.
Men rarely seek help after breaking up with their wife. This is not due to the fact that men are not abandoned. Biological and social factors are at work here. Science knows that a woman loves more than a man, but calms down when she is abandoned faster than a man.
This is due to the fact that men are by nature introverts, that is, the principles by which they live change slowly, and their behavior is determined by internal ideas.
But if his ideas change, then he will immediately begin to act in accordance with them. And it's hard to get him off track. Women by nature are usually extroverts, that is, their behavior is rather determined by external representations. It is easier for her to move on to some other path.
From the point of view of society, this is due to the fact that when a man leaves his wife, both men and women sympathize with the woman. And when a woman leaves a man, both men and women laugh at him.
That's why a man would rather commit suicide than complain. But in vain! He can be helped. But these are all statistics. In real life, the opposite happens.
An example of a technique for working with a man who was abandoned by his wife
Here I give in some detail the technique of working with a man who was abandoned by his wife. With this man, I mostly corresponded, occasionally called back, but I did not see him in the eye. This is what I'm going to publish right now. I'll add my comments along the way. Names and place of residence have been changed.On May 4, a man called me from Tambov. His voice was sad. He said that his wife was leaving him. He lost all life guidelines, because he lived for the sake of his wife and child, and is ready to commit suicide if this happens and is ready for anything to save his family.
I asked him to purchase my book Psychological Vampirism, where Psychological Aikido was published, as well as The Sperm Principle, where depreciation letters were published, and send me a letter detailing the situation. And if possible, write a depreciation letter to his wife.
A few hours later I received a response. “I am 31, my wife is 28, my daughter is 5. We have been living together for 7 years, we met at our work, she was married(A slip of the pen according to Freud, apparently, she married him to herself - M. L.). But I fell in love with her, helped her get comfortable at work and get a promotion, and she left me.
For me, she became the woman of my life, one might say that life itself. According to her, before the wedding, she did not think that we would be good in sex, but it turned out not to be so. We had a very good and happy marriage, and so do I and she.
We have always lived separately from our parents, we bought a one-room apartment for the birth of a child, unfortunately, we still live in it, but we were ready to buy something more this year. I'm not afraid to say that we lived with her soul to soul, I do not remember the cases when we seriously quarreled. (It's a pity that people do not analyze their small conflicts. This would help to avoid significant conflicts. - M. L.).
A little over a year and a half ago, she found herself a new job. She said that she wanted to realize herself. It so happened that I did it quite successfully in my work. I did not take her new work very well, I will explain why.
Probably, I am the type of person for whom not super good wealth, money is important (all this should be present, but for me this is not an end in itself). The warmth of the house is more important to me, so that there is a close, dear person nearby. She began to devote all her time to work, work like a damned woman, disappear there(or meet another person - M. L.).
I sat with the child, maybe I did not do much with him, but I was with him. I sat with him when he was ill, I had such an opportunity, I sat with him in the evenings. She took sick leave only when there was a full guard, or I insisted on it. I will not say that she is a bad mother - she loves our child very much, she just got very carried away with herself and her work(or an employee - M. L.).
She is a very neat person in everyday life, you can say a clean one, but let's just say, I became sloppy, relaxed, feeling that everything was fine with us. I began to notice that she began to move away from me, and in recent weeks, that something is happening or has happened, that something has happened.
I wrote her a letter on paper, with my feelings, and 1.5 weeks ago we had an explanation. She said that she fell in love with another person, that she did not know what to do, but she wanted to go to him. What she wants from him is a child.
She says that yes, everything was just great with us, it’s just wonderful that I am a very good person, that she appreciates and respects me. I love her and want her to always be by my side. I am ready to do everything so that she stays, I know that I have the strength, patience, courage to start all over again.
Starting all over again means making her fall in love with you again, because my feeling for her did not fade away and did not waver for a second. I am ready to do everything to return it and win it again. She is a very private person by nature. her mother is a rather tough person and was harsh with her as a child, and she still remembers this.
She recently told me about things that offended her, spoke out. I think this is a good sign, but I'm still afraid of losing her. I know that we can be happy together.
At the beginning of our marriage, we had a father-daughter relationship, now she has “grown up” a lot, she is very proud of what she has achieved at work, that without her, according to her, “the office will rise”, that she is an irreplaceable person there. Timothy".
“Hello, dear Mikhail Efimovich!
Thank you so much for encouraging me to read your books. Indeed, without them, asking to write a letter is a waste of your time. I have almost finished reading your book "Psychological Vampirism", next I have "The Sperm Principle". (These books contain "psychological aikido" and depreciation letters - M. L.).
I looked at a lot of things, but almost everything, in a new way.(Here it is a change of principles! The algorithm of attitude has changed, now the algorithm of behavior will also change. There were no unnecessary discussions about the correctness of the rules set forth in my books. - M. L.).
I found a lot of new things for myself in the rules and aphorisms. I wrote them out for myself and look through them periodically. I don’t know how right I am, but it seems that I was Koshchei the immortal in life.(I call immortal Koshchei people who live not for themselves, but for someone else. Among the relatives of my patients, I saw them in bulk. Badly sick, but Koshchei the immortal twitches and interferes with helping their loved ones. Most often - mothers, less often sisters and the wives of the sick... They look like pretty women, but in fact Koshchei are immortal, whose soul is in the body of a sick relative. - M. L.)
I understand that I did almost everything wrong, although in general I tried to go towards the goal: not to stand still. I understood a lot about our relationship with my wife, what and where I missed, where I was wrong. And most importantly, I realized that only myself can change! I believe in this, and I am ready to make every effort to continue my growth after her return.
I was very interested in the chapter on addictive compulsive love: many moments are very similar in psychological portrait to my wife, and how she describes the person she fell in love with. I would like to get your advice on this matter too. If this is indeed the case, could this be a problem for applying the amortization letter?
You asked me to write a sample depreciation letter - here it is, based on our realities. Unfortunately, I am a layman in psychology and cannot appreciate some points of the letter, because I have doubts. I am afraid that without your help I will do something wrong. I beg you for a personal consultation. When can I call you and arrange a meeting?(So we did not meet with him. We decided everything by correspondence and by phone - M. L.).
I apologize for persistence, demanding a speedy meeting. It just might be more efficient to send this letter before her decision becomes an act. Although, what am I saying, she has already committed an act.
And here is the letter itself.
"Bella!
You're doing the right thing by not wanting to live with me. I am no longer such a sun, not such a Tishechka as I used to be. I'm not as smart anymore, not as empathetic and not as gentle as I used to be, I'm not as good at helping you around the house, and most importantly, I was not good at intimate relationships and put pressure on you all the time.
I am writing this to you not so that you return, but in order to thank you for the happiness that you gave me and ask for forgiveness for not being able to answer you the same. Now I understand how hard it was for you to not love me and treat me so well.
They say time heals, although I still find it hard to believe. But don't worry about me. I will try to calm down over time and live a happy life, if, of course, this is possible. I am also writing to you so that you can help me to wean myself from you. Let's not meet.
You will leave your daughter with your mother, and I will pick her up from there, and at work we will have lunch at different times. And one more request: tell me what qualities I need to acquire and what to get rid of in order to please a woman like you. I understand that I will never meet someone like you, but if someone comes across who even slightly resembles you, I will not miss my chance. I wish you happiness. Timothy".
And this is my answer.
"Timofey!
You are a capable and disciplined student. Send as is. Call again. M. Litvak.
I was really blown away by his performance. If he had started a discussion, I don’t know what would have come of it. He believed in the idea. He didn't doubt her. He doubted himself. Did he do it right?
Unfortunately, many start work without faith in the idea, and when something does not work out, they begin to scold the principle of depreciation, instead of looking for their mistake. That is why the case often drags on for months and years, although everything can be done within a few days.
“Dear Mikhail Efimovich!
As I said, I wrote and gave her a letter! Unfortunately, for the time being, I cannot deliver the letter to the person she fell in love with. I still don't know his name.(And you don’t need to know. “Dearly respected one whom my wife fell in love with,” and then a letter. You need to do everything quickly. - M. L.). I think that over time, I will be able to do it, I have already written a letter to him.
I am surprised to see what changes are taking place in me, and I understand that I like them. Before, I thought only about what happened, about mourning, about hopelessness. Now I gladly turned on the music in the car and began to think about work with interest.
It became interesting to see how what I do will affect people. She (no longer his wife and beloved, but she is M. L.). She really wants us to go to Ryazan to her parents, there is a suspicion that she wanted to talk to her godmother there. She began to hide behind the child, that she already wants to go there.(Think less about her and do not give her any instructions, and most importantly, do not expose her - M. L.). I said the child has to deal with it on his own.
I think it would be nice if I, in order to limit our communication, spend more time at work.(Yes, it's great - M.L.). How do you think? There is another question: if she says, “I love you,” she can say it for appearances, but in her heart she will still love that person. How can I avoid, or rather, capture such a moment?(And you believe her and do what you want. The most important thing is for you to lead correctly. If she lied, it’s worse for her. She will sleep with an unloved person, that is, with you, of her own free will. And in general, consider him a husband, and yourself a lover Then the balance will be on your side.- M.L.). If she decides to say so for some reason.
Can a person like her act in this situation contrary to what I am doing, do it out of spite, hurt myself, hate?(Again, you think about her. If you think, then think well of her. After all, you want her to return. So she is not harmful. Do not contradict yourself. And if she is harmful, then everything will immediately become clear, and the desire to be with She will be lost. You will see her black soul. - M.L.).
After all, it happens that we do something out of harm, contrary to what is.(Yes, it happens. But stupid and bad people do it. - M.L.).
For some reason I don't think so. It is wonderful to have goals in life and move towards them, not by jumping from the 10th floor in a straight line, but by finding the stairs or the elevator. Until I make plans for the future, how it will turn out for us, but then we must definitely think over, understand how to build what will come later.
What do I need to become to be happy? There is one more thing that worries me: what if by chance she understands, learns about your technique, understands that she was manipulated?(You think too well of her. If she understood at least something, she would not leave you. But if she understands, she will simply admire you. And what kind of manipulation is this. Manipulation is when I win, and the partner loses. Here you are the loser, and she is the winner. You act very humanely, sacrificing your interests. You allow her to do what she wants, and demand from her the actions that you need, they do not strain her. That is what those who love do. Unfortunately, you still do not know how to love, since you doubt the correctness of these actions. Now you are just learning. - M.L.).
Although I did everything to prevent this from happening.
I will certainly strive to take a high leadership position in our company, in my opinion, a wonderful goal. I want to become a self-sufficient person, live in a "nice house with walls and a ceiling, and have beautiful wallpapers in the house." Which of your books do you think I should study next?(Which one will be of interest to you. To me, the author, all of them are dear, and I think that you need to read them all. But I can be wrong. So decide for yourself. - M.L.).
Probably "If you want to be happy." Thank you very much. With deep respect, Timofey from Tambov.
This letter was answered immediately.
“Dear Mikhail Efimovich!
Thanks for the replies, you are absolutely right. The letter has already been sent to him. So I did everything quickly, as you said. What should I do if she wants to talk about everyday topics: who pays the money, what to do with the child. I think, to say how it will be done - then we will decide, but now there is nothing to say.
But do not give yourself offense and do not be a devoted doggie. She wants to go with her daughter to rest, but without him. He said that let him give the money, because she went to him. I have something to do with it. Here are the news so far.
Working, moving... I'll keep you posted. When the time comes, I'll try to describe everything in more detail. I think maybe tomorrow.
Sincerely, Timofey.
My answer was extremely short.
"Timofey!
You are well done! Don't be afraid to act, don't be afraid to make mistakes. Good luck. M. Litvak.
“Hello Mikhail Efimovich! I send you a report for the previous days.
08 May.
So I become what I should become: a strong, self-confident, successful person. Let's try to restore yesterday: She wrote me a note that I am a wonderful, good, sensitive person, thank you for the love, for everything that I have done for her. I unsubscribed that this is not so, that if it were, as she writes, she would love me and would not leave.
At night, I wrote another letter, because. she constantly “rocked” me with how much good I did, how good it was for her, etc. and so on. After talking with you, I said that there was no need to torment me, no need to turn everything into torture for me, try to imagine yourself in my place, she was terribly agitated, tore up what I had written.
The content of the letter to her: “Beloved, you are now behaving with me like a sadist, very cruelly. Understand that I still love you very much, and I want you to be happy. ( Little inaccuracy. Instead of "understand" it would be better to write "you understand." Behind the word "understand" one hears "fool, you are such a thing." But for a beginner in psychological aikido, it is excusable - M.L.).
I want you to be with the person you love. I don't have to do anything out of pity, it only makes me feel worse.
Understand, when you are worried about me, you want to stroke, hug, touch, it is very hard for me to bear it. You gave me a lot of happiness, it was a very happy seven years of my life for me, thank you for that.
I failed to give you what you deserve. I didn't deserve you. This is a fact, because you are leaving for a loved one, but you do not love me. I want to try to forget you, I don't know if I can succeed.
Imagine what your loved one will say to you, you know, you are so wonderful, but I love the other one more. What torture will then turn for you all his touches and actions out of compassion for you, out of pity for you.
Do not talk to me, feel sorry for me, do not think about me, think about yourself, about your loved one. I am not worthy of you. I also ask you to tell me what I need to become, so that if I suddenly meet a woman like you, so as not to repeat the mistakes that I made with you. Please tell me this sometime. Loving you, Timothy.
There were also mini dialogues, I said - what are you pulling - go to him, because you have already decided everything a long time ago, now it only hurts more. She says that I have nowhere to go yet, that I also live here for the time being. That she is also very bad, that she understands how bad I am.
She asked me what is love? Now I understand that I need to answer what you know better, you know. I cited your example about a house and beautiful wallpapers, could not resist and added that a successful family is a calculation plus love, it is possible without love. I don't think it was quite correct.(Well done! I myself found a mistake. - M. L.).
I say that I need to change in order to become worthy of a woman like her.
Yesterday, while I was gone, I cleaned the apartment, cooked dinner, from the products that I bought. He really wants to go on vacation with his daughter. I say go with her. Exhausted after the night. She said yesterday that her legs do not obey. She says she didn't think I would do that.(I wonder what she wanted him to do? After all, he let her go without reproaches. I would also add that “You are happy. You have love. But what remains for me?” But for a beginner, it’s already great. - M. L.).
We talked a little about plans for a child. He wants to take his daughter with him. She understands what kind of trauma it will be for the child, and this greatly torments her. She said that that person has 2 children, a 9-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.
I said, probably incorrectly, that I do not want our child to live in the same family with such a person, and even in another city. She said that he was being transferred to St. Petersburg, that her career was very important to her, that she was a careerist. He understands that there will be a not very good financial situation, because. 50% will go to child support. She said that this apartment is mine (I really earned it), that she does not apply for it. It suits me just fine.
I asked that the money that I would transfer would go only to my daughter's account. Today she said that she was exhausted, that she wanted to be alone, to think. I said that you don’t have to think about me, I don’t deserve to be with her, I said that she should think about what would be better for her. Earlier, in the dialogues, I repeatedly heard the phrase: make no mistake.(Comments are superfluous - M. L.). In the evening she asked me to go to bed early, because. very tired and very exhausted. I replied, - "As you say, my love."
Last night and today went smoothly. It didn't bother me in particular. Just yesterday I wrote SMS “When will I be home?”. I said that you should not worry about me - you need to think about who you love.
Today, the whole day managed to act in the appropriate key. We went by car for a child to the country. She asked me to drive, I said that this car was not worthy of her. She began to insist, I said - as you say, dear. On the way, he called. I said that I should not be shy, - she asked me to leave her alone. My answer is "Whatever you say honey." I learned very well how to pronounce this phrase. I also constantly say that I want her to be happy and that I love her very much.
In general, her condition became calmer, because. she made plans for herself that she would go on vacation with the child, plus she said that such a situation as now would drag on for about 2 months, that she had nowhere to go now, because. he himself is not from Tambov, there is not an apartment or anything here.
I think that because of such certainty that it will not reach her parents, she became calmer. Then, it seems, there are plans that he will be transferred to St. Petersburg, and they will go there, and with our child, which somehow does not suit me very much. It will obviously be a plus for her, because. she will just cut off all the ends and get rid of the pressure of her parents.
She is very tormented by thoughts about our child. Sometimes, when he looks at me and my daughter, his eyes are wet. Said she couldn't leave her baby for someone else, but he did. He says he does it for her. He asks to go with the child to the fireworks.
I first suggested that she go with her beloved, she asked us to go, I agreed. When we went to the fireworks, she looked at me from the side, said that I had lost a lot of weight. In general, he tries not to call me, not to talk to me, not to touch me.
Maybe you need to shake it up with something again, unsettle it?(How you still want to be aggressive - M.L.). She became much calmer. He really wants to visit a child psychologist to mitigate the consequences for our child. My strategy is still: think about yourself, about your loved one, about a child, but you don’t need to think about me, I’m not worth it, and you don’t love me either. I will do everything to make you happy, but I won’t let myself be destroyed, that I am strong and that’s why I do it.
May 10.
In the morning we started talking about the baby. She asked me to take a walk with her, because she needs to be left alone to meet Him (she did not say the latter, because she said that she could not say it out loud). I said that there is no need to be ashamed of me, because. I want you to be happy. Because she is taking her daughter with her to St. Petersburg, I slowly need to wean from her that I am an unworthy father, that He will be better for her, but you don’t need to think about me, I’m not worth it.
What is the best position for me to take on the issue of communication with the child?
It seems to me that it is not quite right that she is taking care of herself, and I am sitting with the child. I also have my own plans, and I need to move on. In my opinion it will be correct. And again I wrote her a letter:
"Hello Bella!
I want to write you this letter so that you can be a little calmer. I want to tell you that I feel better now. I began to sleep better, I had an appetite. I think that I have already fallen out of love with you by 20 percent.
I am very grateful to you, because I read a lot of books, met interesting people, learned a lot of new things, became stronger, grew a lot morally. Forgive me, but let's tell our parents about everything. You know, we haven't had sex for a long time (when it's good for both of us), and I want to find someone for myself, and if my parents don't know how I will look in their eyes?
I need to work hard on myself, do a lot, so that if I meet a woman like you, I can keep her. Therefore, I cannot stay at home for a long time. In addition, since If you want to take your daughter with you to Petersburg, already start trying to live with her on your own, without my help, and let her begin to wean herself from me.
What I mean is that next week I won't be able to stay at home for a long time. Decide for yourself who will sit with her. I still love you and I'm so glad you're on the mend. Don't worry about your daughter, I will always be her dad. Let's decide when we tell your parents, I also want to talk to your parents, write them a letter, explain everything and thank them. Just understand(Again, “understand” - M. L.), you have happiness and love, I also want to try (and suddenly it will work out) to find myself a loved one who will love me.I wish you happiness. Timothy".
I read the letter 2 times, asked when we would tell our parents. I said whatever you say honey. So far there has been no more reaction. Maybe add a little about “became fat”, etc.?(Again, an unnecessary desire to be aggressive - M.L.).
In the evening she said that she thinks that if she had told me right away, then nothing would have happened, in the sense that everything would be fine with us. Today I will continue my course of action. I have not yet decided what position to take in court about the child. I don't know yet.
Do you think I need to take some additional steps now, or just continue my course of action?
Sincerely, Timofey.
My answer.
In principle, all your behavior is correct. You can stir it up by sending a letter to your parents. Excuse - You took a cue from her. She didn't tell you when she cheated on you. After all, when you converged, she promised you not to change.
Noble people first get divorced and then fall in love with another. And she, like a bun, rolled over. This is her understanding of nobility, and you agreed with him. And besides, you want to maintain a good relationship with her parents. "And how to keep them if I'm not frank." But it's better to tell her this and send a letter.
Although it will be really bad for her later, when she gets together with her beloved. And it will start to pull when it stops receiving information about you. So no special effort is needed. You can do nothing.
If you start to put pressure on her, she will only unite with her beloved, and the problem of returning will be more difficult to solve. Communicate with the child from the position that you love him. With whom to be, she decides.
If she decides to be with you, then you can sue. But here you need to consult with lawyers. Here is the best position of the biblical woman who sued her child. Two women had a boy at the same time. But one of the children soon died. Women defended their right to a living child and went to court to King Solomon.
When Solomon said that he could not decide whose child, and ordered that the child be cut in half, the true mother abandoned the child. So you do not tear the child to pieces. Better give it to your wife.
The phrase here is suitable as follows: “I love you, daughter, and I want you to feel good. I really want to live with you. But if you feel better with your mom, stay with your mom.” Nothing new is needed. One can only write about the fact that love continues to decrease. Good luck. M. Litvak.
I immediately received a response to this letter.
“Hello, Mikhail Efimovich!
Yesterday I talked to her parents and told them what was going on. Now I am in a state of siege, because her every phrase comes to me in a harsh ironic manner. I do not cling, I answer: "As you say, dear."
An example of her remark: “You are such an angel with us: it’s just that the wings are growing.” She really does not want to communicate and talk with her parents. She is very afraid that all this will come up at her work, that she will lose her job. Her dad (he is an old party member, and still remembers the times when the team condemned and “returned to the bosom of the family”) wants to talk to her team.
What do you think this conversation could lead to? Is it worth it to resist or implicitly push?
Formally, she may not be able to work there further, and he may not get a promotion to St. Petersburg. It will be a plus for me in court, I still want to keep the child with me. She has not yet had a conversation with her parents, she really does not want him, because. believes that she will be poured with mud there. In principle, her mother can do this.(I cease to understand what we are doing. The return of the prodigal wife to the bosom of the family or the rejection of the child? Let's decide, and we will do one thing - M. L.).
I am very glad that I can leave for a while and really look forward to a vacation, going early next week. Her loved one gives her money, which suits me perfectly. Some doubts arose whether to let the child go on vacation with her. I'll probably leave anyway.(That's right - M.L.).
She's obviously mad at me now. He tries to prick and hurt in everything. So vicious, but she has this behavior, as if she was completely cornered. Sometimes my hands just drop, but I try to hold on. Already found a good divorce lawyer. I'm ready for any options.
So far, all the news for today, Sincerely, Timofey.
My answer.
"Timofey! I have already answered this question. Of course, she can be fired from her job, but will she return to you? In general, the less interference the better. And if she calls you an angel, then here we can agree. Depreciation works great.
“Of course an angel. That's because I'm an angel, so you're with me and do not want to live. Angels are no fun. I will try to become a devil so that the next woman does not leave me. Still, you don't always get depreciation. Good luck. M. Litvak.
Dear my readers!
I don't know what you think, but I think that Timothy's behavior is impeccable. After all, with everything that she did not offer, he agreed. He proceeded from the position that all people are good. He did not arrange jealousy scenes, he invited his wife to meet with her beloved in their apartment.
He took all the blame for the breakup. There was no criticism of his wife. But he needed to protect himself. He didn't want to talk to her. But Timothy has already become a stranger to Bela. And she began to hate. It's not his fault that his parents took his side. He thought that they would support their daughter. And just out of all the techniques of psychological aikido, he used the principle of depreciation, however, almost all of its variants.
"Timofey!
Happy for you. My comments are in the body of the email. I wish you success. M. Litvak.
"News from the battlefields...(this is the title of Timothy).
Hello, Mikhail Efimovich!
I just talked to my wife's parents, after informing her about this and saying that it's hard for me to lie to them. I realized that it became much easier for me after this conversation: firstly, it was very nice to see how they treat me, and secondly, there is no need to lie and dissemble anymore.(It is very difficult to lie and deceive. It causes great emotional stress. You must remember to whom, what you said. You must have a very good memory and strong nerves. Somewhere I wrote about this in detail. But his nerves were bad. He after all, he was going to commit suicide. A lie would finally finish him off - M. L.).
I still spoke in the same vein that I love her, I am very glad that I have a good relationship with them (her parents), and I don’t want to lose them in the future, I know that they love her and will understand everything . But, if I were in her place, I would be very tense.
Now the facts:
- they want to talk to her (this is quite natural for parents);
- they said that if she wanted to live temporarily with them, they would not accept her;
- they said that they would like the child to stay with me, that if I decide to fight for him at the trial, they will come out on my side, (I begin to seriously think about it);
- her dad has an idea to make a little "performance" at her work, in terms of exposing them to the collective, turning against them the society in which they work.
- her mom wants to talk to her loved one, what does she really want to tell him - I don't know(And this should not be done. This will only bring them closer. - M. L.).
- they said that if they used to help her with the child so that it would be easier for her to work, now they won’t do it yet - let her spin around herself, although they love their grandson very much and miss him very much, (In vain, of course - M. L.);
- her parents are definitely against her going on vacation with our daughter without me.(In general, it would be better if they didn’t change their behavior towards her. You can express your attitude, but you can’t change your behavior. But they already did it. Unfortunately, we don’t have a psychological culture. I have an idea to write a book on this topic - M. L.).
“Dear Maria Petrovna and Leonid Vasilyevich!
It is still difficult for me to talk about some things, so I am writing this letter to you. I am very grateful to Bella for the seven years of happiness she gave me. I still love her very much and I want her to be happy, I hope that everything will be fine with her. I guess I'm not the person she deserves.(The word “probably” would be better not to insert. This is not depreciation. It turns out that she is not right. Of course, you are not the right person. Everything else is correct. - M. L.).
I know that you love her very much, that you will understand everything. I am very sorry that I had little contact with you before, perhaps this would help me keep her, make her happy. I hope that we remain friends with you and that I can still ask for your advice. I don't want to repeat the same mistake if in the future, suddenly, I meet a woman even slightly like Bella.
I hope that you will tell me what I did wrong, what mistakes I made, so as not to repeat the same. Sincerely, Timofey.
I am seriously thinking about how I will behave in court.(Let's think about it when she files a lawsuit. Maybe she will come back to you. After all, we are engaged in her return, but psychologically competently! Have you already forgotten about this? Or are we already engaged in a divorce? - M. L. )?
I feel strong in myself, I think that I can keep my daughter with me(And I'm sure of it. - M. L.). I am looking for good lawyers.(But the most important thing is how you behave. The main thing is that she filed for divorce. I will send you the speech of the defendant in court. But wait again. Maybe she will come back to you. Let's finally finish one thing. - M. L.).
I know that if she says that she has decided to stay, it will only be possible for me if she says "I love you." In any case, it will not be right away, and in order to try to collect the fragments that we now have, it will take a lot of effort, patience and time and work to do this.
I know that I will continue to live, work and strive for success regardless of whether she returns or not. In a way, I'm glad(But it's great that we are happy. - M. L.) ,
that life sent me such a test. Without him, I would not have started moving up, and I would have been sitting in my swamp. Thank you for your advice, regards, Timofey.
You see, my dear readers, how psychologically competent behavior with an unrighteous goal led to a correction of the goal. I think the Jesuits are wrong in saying that the end justifies the means. From my point of view, the most important thing is the right means. They will change the wrong goal.
Once again I want to emphasize that returning a departed spouse to the bosom of the family is an unrighteous goal. You can not force yourself or anyone else to live with an unloved person. Otherwise, the house will turn into a prison with life imprisonment and constant torture. And the last letter of Timothy.
“Hello, dear Mikhail Efimovich!
I look at myself from the outside and rejoice at the changes that are taking place in me. My motivation to work has greatly increased: I really want to advance in my work. Slowly, what you told me is happening is that I won't be ready to take her back if she wants to come back. I understand that at the moment I still love her, and I am ready for her to return.
But I realized that I was ready to do this only if she sincerely could show me that she loves me, that she understands what she is striving for, what she needs from life and why she wants to return. (emphasis added by Timothy).
I understand that for her it is still a very long way and it is not known where I will be, when she will pass it and whether it will pass, because. I'm not going to stand still either. Yesterday she talked for a very long time with her father, and, according to her mother, she came out all crimson.
As far as I know, dad just talked to her so that she weighs the pros and cons of her decision, told her his vision of the situation, life, from the height of her life experience. Due to the fact that I slightly changed my attitude to what is happening and what happened, we had the following dialogue:
“You said that you want me to be good, you know that I still love you, but I can’t show my love, because you love another person. You've already made up your mind that you want to be with him, and it's hard for me when you're around, so because If you're going to leave anyway, maybe you'll start looking for an apartment.
I don’t chase you and don’t set any deadlines, but it’s very hard for me to be with you, to love you and not be able to realize my desires. I want to try to forget you, and so it will be easier for me to do it.
With my daughter, I don’t know yet what I will do, but I will make sure that she is happy. I know how much you love our daughter and want her to stay with you, but I must be sure that she will be well provided financially, that she will be given enough time, and that she will live in good conditions.
I repeated her words that she wants a child from a loved one, that if she stays with me, we will have no more children, that she will hate me. I said that if she decides to return, I will be ready to accept her only if I see some things, but I did not say what. He said that while the door was open for her, but it was already half closed.
I began to understand that she was completely unprepared for such a turn of events, because. her plans included not to pull me yet and not even inform me of what was happening. She agreed to go on vacation with everyone in order to wait until her loved one was transferred to St. Petersburg, and then move on by herself. Those. play completely behind my back.
A very interesting point is that she doesn’t even know for sure yet if he told his family what plans he has regarding a divorce from his family. He says that he seems to have told his wife everything. So far, as far as I know, he is not in Tambov (he is not Tambov himself), but with his family somewhere there.
When analyzing the situation now, I have thoughts that it is banal, at first, they could use it, confuse, as they say, just sleep, and then she turned out to be just a convenient person for later life. Although this can easily be completely wrong, and they are really the new Romeo and Juliet (for some reason, this is hard to believe).
She is very afraid that everything will become known at their work, how the management will look at it, their leader is a very decent person, with a family, with two children, very intelligent and educated.
He can easily ask them both to write a statement of their own free will, although he may not do this. She is VERY STRONGLY EXCITED, tk. work for her is number 1. Ie. she is clearly not ready to go somewhere, but I do not want this to continue. Leaving go. Her parents don't want to see her in their house.
I understand that at the moment I am not acting on the principle of depreciation, but I have found myself both a sense of dignity and a sense of pride and do not want to be used. Let it be so! The only thing is, I absolutely do not want this to somehow touch our daughter.
According to one woman (we are family friends), Bela is a person who has not experienced real difficulties in life, and now she subconsciously found them on her head (or some other place). I decided that I would not interfere with her in finding these difficulties. If you want, take it.
She said that she hated me, that she would not talk to me about anything. Tried to insult me, which I had to stop. I said it was great, that she wouldn't talk, that it was exactly what I needed.
I also said that when communicating at home, you must, first of all, think about your daughter, and if we start throwing mud at each other, it will only get worse for her, that we don’t need to drag her from side to side, that we definitely need to consult with a child psychologist, How can we better deal with him? That I love and respect her. That you don't have to treat me like this.(But, starting with “More ...”, it was not necessary to say. After all, this is a banal truth that his wife has already known for 20 years. And in general, what is known to everyone should not be said, because it will sound like an insult. This it’s the same as telling a person that you need to wash your hands before eating, brush your teeth in the morning and evening, do exercises in the morning, etc. - M. L.).
In short, to my pleasure, we do not communicate at all now, although I understand that this is bad for our daughter. ( But this is not yet a fact - M. L.).
I realized that my attitude to what is happening continues to change and does not stand still. I don’t know yet what position I will take in court regarding the child, it will depend on my knowledge about the conditions in which she will live, about her attitude towards him.
There will be confidence that he will be fine in the long run - and I won’t say a word.(Hurry up again. We are engaged in the return of Bela. Let's deal with this first. Are you returning her or are you refusing her? I don’t understand anything at all. - M. L.).
To summarize the above: so far for me there are 1.5 open questions.
1 - how to deal with the child.
0.5 - can I accept her if she wants to come back.(She has not asked to see you yet. That's when she asks, then start thinking. After all, Jesus Christ advised us to take care of today. And tomorrow will take care of itself - M. L.).
Thank you very much. By the way, I said that I consider the consultation successful. I am in your debt. With deep respect, Timothy.
And my farewell letter.
"Timofey!
I congratulate you. You are well done. Self-esteem is the most important value. You have it. Consider that you paid me back with your disciplined attitude to the matter and thus confirmed the correctness of my theoretical concepts and practical recommendations. Typically, this work for my wards took up to six months. But you figured it all out in less than a week. It's faster than I even thought.
I told my wards that if I could move into you, I would resolve the situation in two weeks. You got it faster. Of course, soon she will ask you, but I am almost sure that you will not accept her, although in principle she is not a bad woman.
She just has a kolobok script. She rolled over from your predecessor to you. If she stays with your opponent, then after he helps her advance, she will roll to another. But the main thing is not this.
The main thing is the preserved sense of your own dignity. You can live with him, even if a woman left you and live with dignity. Now you will finish this game without me. You have mastered the techniques of psychological aikido.
And do not consider yourself my debtor. Your rapid mastery of the methods of psychologically literate communication is ample compensation for my efforts. Yes, and I inserted your story into a book. But if, in the course of your intensive activity, you keep me informed about your affairs, I will be very pleased, and if I can be of service to you, then I will be simply delighted. Good luck. M. Litvak.
When I talked about this incident in one of my lectures, one young sexy woman exclaimed indignantly: “What a cruel technique!” Yes, cruel from the position of this woman! What do you think, and if she had not rolled like a bun, from one man to another, would she have got into a similar situation?
And what do you think, my dear reader, is this a cruel technique or not?
I think not. For the kolobok, perhaps, this shake-up is also useful. And then, after all, you can roll up to the fox, and she will certainly eat him. Yes, and good must be able to protect itself, otherwise it will not be good, but evil.
And finally, the last letter of Timothy, which can be called an epilogue.
"I'm fine. Now I am actively involved in sports (I want to get in shape a little), I work a lot and willingly. The plans are to learn German better and be sure to get to one of your seminars.
As for my attitude towards my wife: I still love her, but I can no longer accept and even more so understand her actions and actions towards me and our daughter. The desire to manipulate her into returning was gone.
Why do I need this pacifier, albeit with a beautiful body? This is not for me. I deserve better. I really want her to leave as soon as possible: she seems to have rented an apartment, and this should happen soon. I'm looking forward to it. It looks like a not-so-pleasant division of property lies ahead, but I think I can handle it without much loss. I don't want to be offended in this matter either.
In relations with her now, my position is to prevent her from harming me voluntarily or involuntarily. I have a good relationship with her parents, with friends. Everyone gives me great support, although the main support for me is myself. Nevertheless, such an attitude on their part is very pleasant.
One of the important issues for me is building a good relationship with a child, on a different level. If possible, I will ask for your advice on this issue. The relationship with my daughter is important to me and I want to be a good father to her. So far like this. If possible, I - as soon as there is time and (until) my wife is at home - will call you to talk a little.
Thank you very much for your help. With deep respect, Timothy.
Igor Valerievich
Hello! I don't know what to do... My wife and child left me! I am depressed! There is emptiness around me, my head will soon explode from thoughts and waves of memories! Specifically, how do you deal with stress?
Hello, Igor Valerievich. I see how hard it is for you now, and I sympathize with your loss.
Please tell us about yourself: age, study or work, are there relatives or friends who can support you during this difficult time?
How old is the child? Why did you break up with your wife?
Igor Valerievich
I am 28 years old. Son is 3 years old. I worked, it so happened that at this time I am again looking for work. Often there were abuses based on the fact that I supposedly paid little attention to her. I came home from work, I was very tired, I used to fall asleep very early. Nevertheless, he tried to walk with her, go to the cinema, to friends. And so on. It so happened that I initially lived with her, then moved to my place, to my mother. Mom periodically leaves to live and work in another city. I invited my wife to live with me and my son. Then the quarrels started again for no reason. I also went to work in another city, on the basis of which I lost my main job. When I arrived they fired me. I started looking for a job. She also started looking for a job, and found it. She had a fight with my mom and moved in with her. After that, everything started to change somehow... When she came to me, she often began to say that why I'm not afraid to lose her... You don't need to trust people. Although I will note some facts ... Before, when we just met before the birth of my son, I told her about the many problems that may arise in life, I said that while there is no nest of your own, you should not rush with a child. She assured me otherwise, that we will always be together, we will overcome difficulties and hardships no matter what! I believed her, although at one time I was with firm and rigid foundations and morals in life, I could not be deceived, under any circumstances. But I saw in her really that person who would go with me to the end, trusted her, I had never seen such people in my life from the beginning. And now, when I tell her, let's save my family, that I don't want to lose her and my son, in response I hear ... I'm tired, don't impose, I don't want anything, I'm filing for divorce and alimony. For everything, no matter how I tried to talk to her normally or make contact to save my family, all to no avail! At this time, we do not communicate, I humiliated myself, begged her on the phone initially, went to her in the morning, waited for her to come to work from the entrance, met her. Everything is useless, a cold look, she swore with her son that she no longer loves me. So, from the last conversations via SMS, I wanted to see my son, to which she answered me that he was sick for now, see you later. Then I did not write and do not call her, so as not to show my obsession. And deep down inside I am very angry with her, for her falseness and betrayal, for the fact that she trampled on her family. But I still love her, and I carry my son very much. Friends with her are common, everyone is silent. They don't call. My once loved ones called, I shared with them, but they have their own families and problems. .. They only consoled, they say it happens, it will pass. And relatives, I can’t communicate with them, they either condemn or carry some kind of nonsense that does not help me at all in solving problems. I just want to know what to do next, how to be? I'm not writing very clearly, I'm sorry, I just want to say so much, but I can't put it in writing. Sometimes it seems that I am paranoid, I want to follow her, find out ... Maybe I found someone, and all sorts of rubbish climbs into my head. As much as I would not like not to think, all the same, new and new thoughts and memories climb into my head, her last strange questions that she cannot be trusted, although she had said otherwise before, and so on. I haven't been able to sleep from these thoughts for the past week.
Igor Valerievich
Sometimes, I look through numerous new photos of my wife (or no longer my wife) in social networks, it changes before our eyes ... A new hairstyle, a smile ... Happiness! Moreover, as if expressing to everyone ... Look, what kind of people am I now, without Igor! Isn't it a drop, doesn't it hurt? Why is life so unfair! Although, what is there to think, since she swore by her son that she no longer loves me! Yes, and I also want to add, I told her that as long as there is a seal in the passport, and I’m not thoroughly divorced from me, please ... Don’t cheat on me, to which she answered me that the seal means nothing, and don’t go into my personal life ! I will do what I want! How can I be in this whole thing, how to figure out how to build a life in sexual plans, and in general how to be? ! Sorry for the mistakes, t9 rules as he wants.
Igor Valerievich, I understand how hard it is for you now: you hoped to live a long happy life with your wife (albeit not without conflicts, it happens to everyone), but your expectations did not come true, and now you feel the pain of betrayal, anger at your wife and fear uncertainty of the future. Has she made it clear that she doesn't love you, and do you still love her? Ready to take back, knowing that, most likely, old quarrels will continue?
The only thing you can do in this situation is to try to talk to your wife using “I-messages” to convey your feelings to her, for example: “You don’t understand what you are doing - you yourself will regret it later. Yes, and son should not grow up without a father, "and" I always wanted, no matter what, we continued to be a family - one team. Your decision just unsettled me: I feel anger and resentment that they do not hear me. I still love you and my son and I want to save our family."
However, be prepared for another refusal from your wife: judging by your description, she has already decided everything for herself, and it is very difficult to convince a person in such a situation.
Igor Valerievich
Mary, you are absolutely right. I wrote to her, all this and initially. She absolutely does not want to contact me. At the expense of the child, he says that you can see him, take him to you. As for the rest, he doesn't want to hear anything. At this time, what should I do? What to do? Right now it happens that I do not write anything to her, do not call. She is also silent. What exactly, and what actions should I take, please tell me?
Igor Valerievich, the point of working with a psychologist is not to get specific advice ("Go there and do this, you will get this"), but to understand yourself - to get out of a negative state (fear, apathy, self-doubt) and realize your true goals/desires. You didn't answer my question - you still love your wife and want to save your family, right? If so, then now it is in your power only to continue to show her your love and care when she comes into contact. For example, when taking your son to your place for a day, you can ask if your wife needs something (showing concern), say again that you love her, give her a small bouquet of flowers (attention). All this is not a guarantee of her return, but she will be sure that she is loved, and that you forgive and continue to wait for her.
Igor Valerievich
Igor Valerievich, the situation can turn around in different ways (here a lot depends on the spouse). You won’t be forcibly sweet, so you just have to continue to show her the invariability of your feelings and your desire to be together. Be that as it may, you will be sure that you have done everything in your power to save the relationship.
It is not easy to live in this uncertainty, and I wish you patience and perseverance.
It would seem that what bad can happen when two people love each other, trust and simply cannot imagine life apart? People meet, then get married, plan their future life, dream of meeting old age together somewhere in a cozy house on the seashore. But, unfortunately, it often happens that a couple suddenly breaks up, it would seem, for no apparent reason. Suddenly, one evening, the wife announces that she is leaving. She's just tired of everything, and she wants a change, so she leaves for another. That's all the explanation.
“But what about dreams of a happy future, raising money for a car and a trip to Thailand? After all, it is scheduled in a month! ”, - there are a swarm of thoughts and questions in my head, but, as a rule, all of them are unanswered. Most abandoned husbands believe that if their wife left, then they are losers, but believe me, this is far from the case. Losing a loved one is very hard. The sun is still shining, the wind is blowing, motorists are going somewhere on their own business, children are squealing merrily in the yard, but there is no beloved. Only yesterday she was, and today the wife left for another and there is no peace in her heart.
Stop! On this lyrical note, it's time to stop the blues, self-flagellation and countless rhetorical questions. Enough! It is necessary to “pull yourself together” (after all, there are arms and legs, and what could be more beautiful?) and live on! Even if the wife left for another, you need to take it for granted and rebuild your life in such a way that there is no time left for stupid thoughts.
It is important to carefully plan your schedule. Are projects stuck at work? It's time to dive head first into them. Stay overtime, take work home, the main thing is to schedule the day by the minute so that when you get home, you just want to take a shower and
It is also necessary to go in for sports, if you have not had to before. Join a sports club and go regularly. Not only will you improve your figure and pump up your muscles, you will also add self-confidence, and there the girls will start looking with interest.
Nature is a great way to relieve stress. And the tool at any time of the year. In winter - skiing, snowboarding, skating, in summer - a river, kayaks, fragrant barbecue. There are a huge number of options on how to diversify your leisure time and think about something else, besides the fact that your wife left and
Do not forget about friends, but not those who offer to “drown grief in a glass”, because your wife left, but really help you get out of the quagmire. Meet them, go to premieres, football, martial arts.
It's also a good idea to have a hobby. Maybe it will be photography or cooking, or maybe regular trips to the bath with a lot of wellness treatments. You can combine all this - the main thing is to fully load yourself with work, deeds, events and rare moments of rest.
Or maybe you always wanted the real one and the beloved one was against it? Well, cards in hand, because if wife left Now there are no restrictions! You can have a dog, a cat, and a canary with fish! Try to look at the situation from a different angle - now you don't owe anything to anyone!
The basic rule is to forbid yourself to think about being married, and now your wife has left and the world has turned upside down. This topic is taboo!
Over time, the pain will subside, subside, it will become easier. Calmness and understanding will come that there is a readiness and desire to build a new love. But this moment is very far away and only work and diligence will help to get closer to it.
Remember, it's very easy to relax and let sad thoughts get the better of you, it's much harder to "pull yourself together" and say to yourself: "I'm not going to get sloppy! I am a strong man! I can do it and be happy!” Not everyone can do this, but you need to overcome a difficult period and learn to forgive people, then life will sparkle with new colors.