What to do if your daughter left home. Daughter left home When daughter left home
Name: Catherine
Good afternoon My 18-year-old daughter, a first-year student, went to live with a young man in his family. This is her first love, first man. I raised my daughter alone. I am quite authoritarian and brought her up harshly, I will not hide it. My daughter always studied well, danced in an ensemble for 10 years, entered a good university. Despite the fact that she is pretty, relations with the boys did not develop. According to the principle: “who we love, they don’t love us”, “whoever loves us, we don’t love him”.
In the last grade of the school, it turned out that she herself BEGAN TO BUILD RELATIONSHIPS (according to House-2) with a boy from a parallel class. Subjectively, the boy was no good, he couldn’t study normally, he wasn’t fond of anything, he was constantly in some kind of depression, he didn’t really have friends, his appearance was the most ordinary, he was sick with psoriasis. It all began and continued very ugly, the daughter led the party of the man: she paid for him in a cafe, made appointments. met near the house. He almost never initiated communication, did not see off even late. In the end, they began to quarrel strongly, dispersed. Threw the boy.
My daughter was terribly worried, after three months she could not stand it, she wrote to him herself. The boy was expelled from the institute after the first semester. Mine finished her first year with A's and B's. The boy works as a waiter in the summer, mine works in a large organization and is going to go to Germany for an internship. Most importantly, the boy's parents welcome their close relationship, I'm against it. There is a war between us. I practically lost my daughter. While I was away for three days, she went to live with that family. Now I pulled myself together, tried to return it. She does not want. The daughter is spoiled, but ready to live on the boy's penny (for now). She is not held back by the possibility of losing her studies, normal rest, clothes, etc.
Now my daughter and I communicate (only thanks to me), but it’s hard for me to understand what and how to do next. They are not going to marry him yet, he generally has unclear prospects with study / work. They are only 19 years old. Those parents have taken a position of non-intervention, they do not care about my girl, because. they have a boyfriend, he is attached to pure sex and is constantly at home. My (in my opinion) has lost all self-respect, I am very worried about this. She is ready to re-educate the boy, but to endure lack of money - no, she hopes to receive money from me again.
Yes, the most important thing. Their relationship is also not cloudless, he could yell at her, even hit her a couple of times. All conversations with the daughter lead to a scandal. I gave up trying. I'm just trying to love her. But .. I can’t anymore. I cease to respect her and it constantly seems to me that she is just using me. Now she is blackmailing that she wants to return home, but I will have to support her as before, and she will walk and spend the night as she wants, and if I say even a word, she will leave again ... I don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes it seems that she doesn't need to come back, I can't stand it
The departure of teenagers from home is one of the acute problems of our time. And not only children, deprived of attention and care, run away from their parents. Quite wealthy and worthy citizens, good and loving parents often turn to law enforcement officers with a desperate request to find a child. They sincerely do not understand what they are doing wrong, why their sweet girl or wonderful boy suddenly turned into an aggressive, embittered teenager who hates them. What is the reason for this transformation? AND What to do if the child leaves home?
The child has left the house. What to do?
Adolescence is a period of "storm and stress." Sigmund Freud's daughter Anna wrote that "being normal during adolescence is in itself abnormal." At this time, your child, for all his malice and obstinacy, is actually very vulnerable, and it is your misunderstanding and rejection of his positions that causes him the greatest suffering. You do not want to understand that your daughter or your son has already grown up, do not take his views seriously and try to impose your opinion on the basis that you are older and you know better. And why be surprised that your son or daughter left home!
The well-known psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto believes that a child becomes an adult precisely when he decides to leave his parents, who do not accept him for who he is and do not want to see the changes that happen to him. The child leaves the house without guilt and regret, and we, the parents, are left with our pain and anxiety for him. Why is it so important for children to insist on their own decision? And why does the love of parents just destroy relationships with children?
The reason is that we, not understanding the reasons for the changes taking place with children, are trying to force them to be the same, affectionate and obedient, and do not want to accept them as they become. Many punish their children, sometimes even with assault, explaining to them that harsh measures are for the good of them, the children. Ordinary parental egoism, which children, due to lack of life experience, are not able to overcome. And then the only way out for the child seems to be leaving home.
Psychologists believe that in adolescence, children try to achieve independence and form independence in making decisions. And if the parents interfere with this, the child is separated from the family. But the result of such a separation does not necessarily have to be a rupture of relations with parents. This may be the birth of a new relationship based not on intrusive guardianship and coercion, but on respect and partnership. And parents play a leading role here.
After all, if just a few years ago, love for your baby consisted of care, care, security, control, now it should manifest itself in supporting him as a person who is able to independently take responsibility for his life. "Bring up a child in his ways," that is, in accordance with his nature. Feel his needs and his feelings as your own, and you will understand what is good for him, not for you.
Your three steps in this direction
- Stop any manifestations of your habit of making decisions for the child. Do not try to direct, push him to the decision that you have chosen for him.
- Learn to enjoy the fact that your child is independent. Even if you see that the decision of a son or daughter can lead to painful consequences, just share your concerns with them. And let those consequences happen.
- Change your thoughts and beliefs about the child. It is important. Your beliefs and your actions are very closely related. If you convince yourself that your child is really capable of leading his own life, it will be much easier for you to sincerely support him.
If you can turn your selfish love for a child into a constructive one, you will not have to turn to a psychotherapist with the question: “What to do if the daughter (son) left home”. You will be there when she (he) needs your experience, support and encouragement in making important decisions for her or him. And the reward for you will be closer than before, equal relationships.
TanyaShnip33
Hello! My daughter will be 16 in 2 weeks. Started lying about a month ago. Got a tattoo. Under the guise of spending the night with a girlfriend, she spent the night in a company where there was alcohol. I opened the correspondence and found out all this. I didn't read the mail before. The daughter said that she was tired of everything. She will no longer be an obedient girl and will now decide everything herself. He will go to concerts not 4 times a year, but constantly. Walk when she wants and come back when she wants. If he wants to leave with an overnight stay, then he will leave and will not ask anyone. I slipped through my studies. I said emotionally. That complete freedom is just outside the door. And while she is under 18 and she lives in our house, she is obliged to obey the rules of the house. She left at night. I wrote to her that we love her and are worried. She said we kicked her out. I tried to explain to her that we didn't kick her out. And what they said that complete freedom is just outside the door. I wrote again. That we love and miss her. Daughter again did not come to spend the night. She wrote to me in the morning. What is alive. I don't know. What to do next, I'm afraid to call home. Afraid. That if I call, it will continue to manipulate departures. The husband says that he will take a walk and come back. She spends the night in a new company, we don’t know anyone personally .. So .. According to her stories, a little ... Tell me. Please, how to behave right now, so that she would return home and not leave anymore.
TanyaShnip33
The riot started about a month ago. I always thought that she was a reasonable person and we have friendly relations. We have three children, she and two young sons. There is jealousy. But no one forces her to help us. Rarely do we ask to sit with them for a couple of hours. She usually doesn't refuse. She has her own room, we live. In abundance. She has. We encourage her in every possible way, I always try to understand her and take her side. Yes, I decide a lot for her, when I don’t decide, she runs herself and asks how best to do it ... I became interested in rap. Asks for concerts of various rap artists. We omit only the largest ones. She joined a fan group about half a year ago. Made new friends and new company. Now he lives only in the interests of these fan groups and this company. Usually I came home at 22. This is the agreement. It rarely happens later, but then we meet her. Previously, she was not seen in a lie. Our conditions were always such that do your homework and be free. I started to protest. Finished the first semester with 2! I didn't even get upset. At the same time, he sees his future in the institute. Associated with teaching languages. When asked what you are doing for this, he says, I am doing ... In fact, he is doing nothing now. Refused tutors. I ask. How will you enter the institute, answers I will do ... He says that he will not do more than he does now .. I want to live now. I want to walk then. When I want it Unbreakable wall. She used to write SMS where she is, so that we understand where she is and with whom. Then she stopped. I wrote once a day or two .. Gone. I think to show us that she can do something herself. Well, Raz was kicked out, please, I'll leave and live somehow. Need complete freedom, as she says. She wrote that she was alive, so she cares. I replied, thanks for posting
TanyaShnip33, it is very important for teenagers to belong to a certain group; for them, friends and "hanging out" are actually very important during this period; they are looking for themselves, trying to express themselves; many internal processes in adolescents occur for the first time and it is difficult for them to cope with them. This is a period of autonomy and therefore teenagers often challenge parental and social norms. This is the period when they experience an identity conflict. Adolescents undergo significant psychological changes. They may show an internal struggle between the desire for independence and the desire to remain dependent on the people who care for them - their parents. And teenagers can really think and feel very deeply that their parents don't understand them.
Leaving home and threatening to leave - this can be a message - "You do not understand me."
It is important for you to understand the reason for her departure.
There can be many reasons, for example: conflict with parents. Spoiled. Imposing a parental point of view on a teenager (when choosing friends, profession, etc.). Just like a stage of growing up and a new experience, etc. That is, there can be many reasons.
Since your daughter has already attempted to leave, let's start with what you should not do: Do not yell at her when she returns. You should not climb with questions if she herself does not want to tell you. Do not punish and be offended by her.
You wrote that you are afraid to call her home, that she will continue to manipulate the entrances. Here it's up to you. Change in relation to her so that she does not completely lose confidence in you.
Call and tell her to come home. When she returns, hug her tightly, tell her that you love her, that you missed her and worried about her.
You must behave not like a punishing parent and resentful child, but like an adult.
When your daughter is ready to talk, talk to her.
Position her to you, make contact.
Make it clear that you accept any of it. Admit your mistakes to her, that maybe you were wrong somewhere and did not understand her. And try to find a compromise together.
Your job is to maintain trust. This is very important for you and for her.
TanyaShnip33
Yes, I can call her, but the question. What to do next. We talked a lot .. Both good and bad. Her goal. Freedom! Complete freedom of action. Thus it turns out, I call her home. I'm not yelling, we're talking. And she will answer me 100%, I do not regret that I left and will continue to leave when I consider it necessary and as much as I need it ... It turns out that I have to agree with this. And then, she will continue to do so.
TanyaShnip33
No. This is the first time. But that's what she told us. And then she left
TanyaShnip33, got you!
You cannot know for sure how she will react and what she will say.
See what a chain, you emotionally told her "freedom is outside the door", she left, thus trying to prove to you the seriousness of her words and intentions. She got a new experience and we cannot know with you what it is for her. Perhaps she is already ready to return and is waiting for the first step from you.
Talk to her in the algorithm that I wrote above.
Look for a compromise. For example, you can sometimes spend the night with someone, but under certain conditions (you must know the truth, where, etc..)
TanyaShnip33
We just discussed it with her, which is why I say with confidence that she will say so. She spent these days in her company, there is a confirmation of the photo on Instagram .. With the words "Here it is happiness." She hid her profile from me today. I came from someone else's page. Therefore, I conclude that while she is having fun and good. My husband is categorically opposed to me calling her back. Speaks. What if I call her, it turns out she got her way. And will continue to manipulate it.
TanyaShnip33
Toothbrush, phone, cosmetics. Well, what was ... And how to behave next time? Here she comes, we'll talk, there will be a next concert in a week and she will put us before the fact, she went to the concert, then hang out, I'll be tomorrow ... And what should I do? Just let go and say okay? It turns out that she will give up on her studies, on us, and will do what she wants ... And we will talk to her and be glad that she sleeps at home sometimes ... I didn’t quite understand this. I want to do something to get her back, but so that the next time she understands that she needs to spend the night at home and that she cannot leave when she wants to, regardless of anyone. Find some middle ground. I'm willing to compromise, but she has to compromise too. Before she left, we talked about it a hundred times. Her only requirement. Complete freedom... But that doesn't happen... How can I give her complete freedom?
TanyaShnip33, got you!
Responsibility for learning to some extent in its competence. Let her be in this imaginary her "freedom". This is her experience, which is important to control, of course, but not to put pressure on her.
Let her hang out sometimes, but on the condition that you know where she sleeps!
You didn't answer, do you know exactly where she sleeps? And another question, where does she get money for concerts, etc.?
TanyaShnip33
"Let her be in this imaginary "freedom" of hers. This is her experience, which is important to control, of course, but not to put pressure on her." I don't understand exactly this moment... How to do it? She clearly stated that she wants complete freedom and wants to do what she wants.. How can I control this? It turns out that only we are going to compromise.. About money.. Since she is in a fan group. There are often free passes. Sometimes she works as a courier and has a small amount of money. We used to give her pocketbooks. Now we give only when we know what.